So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
