I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
