I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
