Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
