grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
