It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
