I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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