i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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