I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
