you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
