I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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