very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
