very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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