your room smells of hookers.
And success
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
