Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
