TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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