Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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