like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
