mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
