After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
