my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you never un-have a 4some
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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