I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
