Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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