yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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