my mouth tastes like poor choices
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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