I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
