I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
