I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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