You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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