And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
