literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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