that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
