There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
