I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm at about main and main street
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
