Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
