walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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