The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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