I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
