I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
