Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
