My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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