he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
