The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
