Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
