My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
