consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize