Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
