what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
my poor anus
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
