i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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