i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
