In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
