Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Someone shit on the floor
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
