Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
