I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
