i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
